


my mind is racing for you

by homestarrunners



Category: Homestar Runner
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Break Up, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Rushing into the score zone, Sorta?? idk man, Swearing, a little bit. not too bad., i mean its not like theyre animals but theyre also not people?? once again i do not know, im so bad at tagging folks im so sorry, theres a lot of cusses.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 15:22:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20084425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homestarrunners/pseuds/homestarrunners
Summary: On falling hopelessly in love with your rival, trying (and failing) to seem cool and aloof, and how to get away with staring at the boy you've got a crush on.





	my mind is racing for you

**Author's Note:**

> Declan= homestar  
Lucas= strong bad  
Simon= strong sad  
Crystal= marzipan

The thing is, he thinks as Declan pulls himself onto the diving board, the thing is that Lucas _obviously_ doesn’t hate him. Of course he keeps up the appearance of hating his guts, when in reality there’s probably a pretty good chance that the two of them could get along. He’s dumb, but he’s nice and he’s cute- tall, and he’s got a good smile, and he’s on the track team. He’s not his type, but he would.  
He’s standing up there, stretching with his arms up and back, puffing out his chest. Lucas looks away a second too late. He _would_.  
He dives. Lucas doesn’t look, but some water hits his leg, and he yells, “Hey dipshit! Watch what you’re doing!”  
Declan either doesn’t hear him or he doesn’t care. He swims to the edge. Lucas sneaks a glance at him from over his comic book. He’s talking to his girlfriend, Crystal, who is also stupid but in, like, a slightly different way. He overhears him saying ‘You’re hotter than that pizza’ to her. Barf. Lucas wishes that he could verbally roll his eyes at Declan, but he doesn’t want to reveal that he’d been eavesdropping.  
He gets out of the pool entirely, and before Lucas knows it he’s walking over to him.  
“Hi, Crystal wants to know if you’re coming to the meet tomorrow night. She’s trying to figure out how many ‘Go Declan!’ hats to make,” he says. He’s fidgeting with the hem of his swimming trunks. “She’s gonna make me a hat if I say yes?” Lucas says, not wanting to seem interested, thankful to his sunglasses for masking the fact that he is _vigilantly_ trying not to stare at Declan. “Uh, hells yeah. I mean, she doesn’t really want to make one for you, but if you’re coming she will. You know how she is with crafts.”  
Lucas purses his lips, nodding. He does, in fact, know how she is with crafts. She’s shitty at them, but confident enough to fool everyone around her. “Alright,” he says, “I’ll go.” Declan smiles his big stupid smile. “I can’t resist the temptation of making Marzipan do more work,” Lucas adds, trying not to let Declan get too happy with him. Unfortunately, his smile only falters for a second before he starts walking away, yelling, “Awesome! See you there, bro!”  
He sits next to Crystal and they start talking again. Lucas looks back at his comic book, having been ‘brozoned’ by Declan again. 

The next day, he wakes up early for the meet. Lucas’s not sure why he does it- it’s still dark out when he wakes up, and he doesn’t have enough money on hand to buy an energy drink on his way there. But he still gets up, he still walks over to the track, he still sits on the cold bleachers. He convinces himself that it’s because it would be funny if Declan fell- or maybe another opportunity would arise to make fun of him. Making fun of Declan is a thankless task, but someone has to do it. If Lucas didn’t, who would?  
Or maybe he’s in it for the free hat. Lucas loves free stuff. Or maybe it’s because the free hat will inevitably be terrible, meaning that he can mock Crystal.  
Declan gets there, and he immediately smiles and says, “Lucas! You actually came!” Lucas rolls his eyes.  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’m just excited to see you fail catastrophically.”  
“Oh, I’m not gonna fail, Lucas. I’ve been training for this for months.” 

It’s the realization that makes him knock on Simon’s door. He’s listening to something that sounds familiar, but Lucas can only hear a little bit of the melody. Simon opens the door, of course. “What?” He sounds slightly exasperated, like Lucas’s in there to bully him like he had countless times in the past. He’s sitting at his desk, drawing some nerd shit. Lucas shoves past him and sits on the bed. Sighs. “I think I’m _pining,_” he says, disgust dripping off of the word. “Okay? And why are you in here?” says Simon.  
“I’m here for advice! I figured you had experience with that sorta thing. I mean, you’re listening to The Cure.”  
“What does that have to do with anything?”  
“It’s a band for nerds who pine for other nerds.”  
“Okay, whatever! Who are you pining for?”  
He groans, like he still hasn’t accepted it. “Declan Montgomery,” he says, annoyed to even think about him. “Holy shit, oh my god,” Simon says, laughing. “Shut up!” Lucas snaps. “I can’t believe you have a crush on _him_. Like, I would understand if it was literally anyone else, but _Declan?!_ This is almost too good to be true.” Simon snickers, a little evilly. “Christ,” Lucas says, “if I’d known you’d be this insufferable about it I wouldn’t have bothered to ask for advice.”  
Lucas falls back on Simon’s mattress, staring up at the ceiling.  
“What is there to advise? Just tell him.”  
“That’s easy enough for you to say, Mr. ‘I wear my heart on my sleeve like a… stupid… person’.”  
That wasn’t Lucas’s best work. Simon knows it. “Look, I’m just saying that even though angsting is fun, it’s bad to just sit there and do nothing about it. If you get it over with you’ll be back to normal.” Lucas groans from the bed.  
“I can’t ‘just tell him’.”

He doesn’t do badly at the meet. He doesn’t trip, he beat all of his times (whatever that means), he won a trophy and some medals. It’s normal. Lucas’s sure it’s normal. He just feels this tiny swell of pride in his chest, like ‘yeah, look at him go! That’s the guy I’m here for!’  
Oh, and Crystal doesn’t show up. And Lucas has to tell him that afterwards when he asks. And his grin falls, but only a little, and he just says “Oh,” like he’s only now realizing that Crystal is a shitty girlfriend.  
Like he hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself.

Lucas used to watch wrestling or boxing on TV, and he used to respect the men for essentially just doing their jobs. He always revered the way they wouldn’t shy away from a fight, never being afraid to get hurt. He used to want to be like them, unafraid and strong, winning fights and bringing home trophies. 

When Declan kisses him, he has to put in a lot of effort not to let the mask slip. Declan’s teeth hit his, it’s awkward and it kinda hurts. It’s a lot like other first kisses that way. It’s so quick that Declan seems to catch himself, backing away after he realized what he had done. Lucas forces himself to scowl up at him. “What the fuck was that?”  
And Declan goes red, doesn’t meet his eyes. “Sorry. I don’t know. Sorry.”  
Lucas shoves him weakly back, hoping that he was convincing enough. “Are you fucking gay or something? Get the fuck away from me.”  
He inhales sharply like he’s been dealt a blow. “I already said that I’m sorry!” He says. He turns, face partially in shadow. It reminds Lucas of a shot he’d put in _Dangeresque_ when he was younger. Christ, he used to be so goddamn edgy. He still kind of is. But it’s not the shadow that you see in movies, really- it’s the dim yellow light of the streetlight, and his face is angled down like a puppy caught chewing on the banisters. Shame. “You’re lucky no one saw you,” Lucas says.  
Technically speaking, he misspoke. The correct sentence would be, ‘You’re lucky no one saw _us_’, but since he’s trying to shift the blame, Lucas figures that it’s fine. It’s whatever.  
“Yeah,” Declan says, quiet for once. Lucas tried to adjust his volume accordingly. “Look, man, I get that you’re sad that Crystal dumped you but you have got to figure shit out! It was a month ago!”  
Declan says nothing for a while, which is never a good sign, and Lucas wonders if he was too harsh.  
He exhales. Lucas wouldn’t call it a ‘sigh’ per se, but Declan exhales through his nose and he can hear it.  
“You’re right.”  
And he doesn’t know what to say. How do you respond to that, even? What else is there? This conversation should be over! He should be playing video games at home right now, not doing whatever this is.  
“I, uh. I think I’m gonna go home,” Declan says. He looks up again. There is an expression on his face that Lucas can only describe as ‘imperceptible’. He doesn’t look sad or angry. No, it’s worse- he looks like he _understands._ He turns and walks away, stops, and says, “Thank you.” And then he leaves. Lucas stares at his back. What the fuck kinda closing statement is “Thank you”?  
Lucas walks home, kicks off his shoes, and climbs into bed. 

He actually knows jack shit, Lucas realizes as he lays on his back, staring at the ceiling.  
He knows that he wants to hate Declan. He knows that he wants to beat the shit out of him, yell at him. But he also knows that he can’t. He _can’t._

“Fuck, man, you’re killing me,” Lucas says.  
“I’m not doing anything.”  
And internally Lucas is screaming _THATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM,_ but he can’t say that. Instead, he says:  
“You’re giving me attitude." It’s not true.  
“That’s not true,” says Declan. “I’m not doing anything.”  
A long pause. “I’m sorry,” Declan says.  
He’s sweet. He’s dumb and sweet and Lucas likes him a lot. He’ll apologize for anything, he’ll always take the fall. But he shouldn’t blame himself for this.  
“Don’t be sorry. I know I’m like, blaming you for shit. It’s not really your fault, it’s just that everything you do is making me crazy.” Lucas tries to damage control. It doesn’t work.  
“Oh, I… I know that I can be kind of…” He gestures, and Lucas fills in the blank. Annoying.  
“No, that’s not what I mean! Stop putting words into my mouth!” Lucas scowls, and Declan grimaces. “I mean that, like. When you say stuff I feel like my heart is about to explode.”  
“You should get that checked out.”  
“No, I- are you even listening? I have a fuckin’ dumb homo crush on you.”  
Declan has three options- admit that he’s been avoiding this, sigh and say that he knows and that he’s always known, or play dumb. He plays dumb. It’s what's expected of him.  
“Ohhhhh,” he says, putting on his best ‘just connected the dots’ face. Eyebrows lifted, mouth open, the works. He takes a second.  
“So you’re the one who’s gay!”  
That’s perfect! Classic Declan. Always referencing back to things that no one remembers or cares about. Clueless. And Lucas will buy it. Of course.  
“Christ, Declan, it’s hard enough to talk to you normally.” Lucas has his face in his hands, and he’s sort of curled up in on himself. Resting his arms on the steering wheel. “Take something seriously for once, holy crap. I’m not-” he stutters, hesitating- “I’m not gay, I just. You’re the exception, I guess.”

Declan was the exception. He was _special._ And he had to figure out what he was going to say. Or he did, until Lucas started talking again. “And I get that that doesn’t matter to you, and you probably don’t care, but I have to tell you or I’ll… I’ll never get over it!” It’s like a blow to the chest, the ‘it doesn’t matter to you’ part. It’s the second time Lucas’s words hit him like that in the last week. “I do care. I’ve always cared. I thought that you hated me.” Declan feels this fucking anger. He’s usually not an angry guy. Lucas opens his mouth, but before he says anything, Declan starts talking again. “No, I’m not done! You think I didn’t care? You think I didn’t give a shit? I kissed you and you literally pushed me away! You don’t get to, just…” He gestures around, trying to figure out the right words to say. “You don’t get to push me around and bully me one minute and come on to me the next just because it’s convenient for you! I’m gullible but I’ve got enough experience with that kind of thing to know that I’m sick of it! Lucas, I… you’ve been kind of a dick to me! It’s like you think that’s how you show that you like someone, like we’re still in baby school or something.” He pauses for a second.  
“And, to make things worse, I was almost over you.”  
Lucas sits there. He’s trying very hard not to let this affect him. It’s not working. He’s in the drivers seat of his car. It’s shitty but it’s got leather seats. He’s got a cigarette in his hand, but he doesn’t usually smoke- he just wants to seem cool. There’s some shitty hair metal song playing on the radio, too quiet for Lucas make out the lyrics. His thighs stick to the seat because he’s wearing shorts because it’s mid-July. A series of rational choices led this moment, perfectly still and snapshotted in time. “I’m really sorry,” Lucas says. No response. He digs the heel of his hand into his eye, rubbing it. He’s exhausted, and, even worse, he’s nervous. And perhaps worst of all, he knows that Declan’s right. He’s been an asshole.  
“How long?” He asks, hoping that he sounds earnest. He is, but he hopes that he sounds the part.  
Declan half-laughs and half-sighs. “A year? I dunno. A while.” He sniffs. Lucas can see him blinking tears away out of his periphery. “How long for you?”  
“There’s tissues in the glove compartment,” Lucas says, avoiding the question, if only for a second. Declan opens the glove compartment, rummages around for a second. He finds the tissues. Blows his nose.  
“How long?” He repeats, slightly muffled by the tissue.  
“A while,” Lucas mumbles. “A few months. Maybe longer. But it took me a long time to admit it to myself.”  
Declan moves down in his seat, neck and back forming a 90 degree angle. He tugs his hand through his hair.  
“Shit,” he says, way too quiet. He giggles.  
And then Lucas kind of snorts, and then the two are caught in a feedback loop, laughing harder and harder. He’s sure they look absolutely insane from the outside, and if anyone else had seen the situation it would have seemed strange to them too, but there isn’t anyone else. It’s just him, and his car, and his cigarette, and his friend/rival/crush/boyfriend(?). Laughing hysterically. 

And just as quickly, the laughter fades.  
“You’re still an asshole, Lucas,” says Declan.  
“So are you.”  
“What do you mean, ‘so am i’? What did I do?” Declan fakes offended, furrowing his brow.  
“The kiss? C’mon, man, that wasn’t fair.”  
“But you were giving me this look! Like, I’m sorry, but you were looking at me like I was a cold one or something.”  
“Was I really that obvious?”  
“Yeah, kinda. That day at the pool, too. I just hoped you didn’t realize how nervous I was about going up to you.”  
“Holy shit,” Lucas says. “Are you serious?”  
“Yeah.” Declan laughs nervously.  
Lucas sighs.  
“So what now?”  
Declan looks sort of nonplussed.  
“I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve had enough, emotionally. Why don’t we go my house and play video games?”  
Lucas nods.  
“Sounds like a plan. And what about, you know…”  
_What about us? _  
“I think we should talk about that later. But I won’t cry about it next time.”  
“Cool.”

But Lucas doesn’t immediately start to drive to Declan’s house. He sits there, and lets the radio play. It’s an Advantage song, he recognizes the riff. Declan reclines the seat. A few minutes are just like that- they don’t talk but the silence between them is less terrifying and uncertain.

And then Lucas shifts into drive, and he gets to Declan’s house, and he goes inside, and he plays _Blistergeist,_ and it’s not very good but he still has fun. He would never admit it, but some parts of it do kind of give him the jibblies. He still pretends to be unaffected in the hopes of looking cool to Declan. Declan’s shoulder is touching his, and he’s so _warm_. He’s like opening an oven, or maybe the hot air coming out of the lappy. He’s dumb, but he’s nice and he’s cute. He’s tall, and he’s got a good smile. 

Lucas has always liked those things about him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! If you guys like it maybe I'll write a sequel. I don't know.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @homestarredrunner and yell at me about strongstar, I will almost certainly yell back!


End file.
